Missing out

Wow- I can't believe it has been several months since I have updated. Time goes by so fast! So many things have happened since last summer- started my 5th year teaching, had a fun halloween with Caroline (since she was sick her first halloween!), had a wonderful holiday season and even spent an unexpected week in the hospital at Charlotte with our sweet girl, which was terrifying but we survived! We continue to have our ups and downs but we are thankful for them all!

So, I have felt like I needed to write.  I don't know if it is because I am stressed or because I feel a lot of emotions building up and this is my way of sorting everything out. But I felt I needed to type it all out so here it goes:

So while scrolling Facebook, which I do way too often and way too much (I'm working on it!), I saw this cute little video about a first time mother letting her husband know, that even those these times with babies are chaotic, they will pass. And that every moment and second should be enjoyed. And, I loved it. I loved watching that video, of sweet children waking up in the middle of the night and the parents looking exhausted....of the children running everywhere and the parents chasing them, and the children eating and being messy and the parents cleaning it up....I loved it! I even became a little teary eyed. I was teary eyed because who doesn't love little tiny babies doing tiny baby things and because they are too cute...but also because I wanted so badly in my soul, to be a part of this. I wanted to be a part of this norm of having a child and waking up every 4 hours to feed.....to watch them sit up, crawl, and take their first steps....to watch them experience their first time eating solid foods and their excitement for it. I wanted it...more than anything. I want to tell my husband that these exhausting times will pass and we will make it through it.

But, my story isn't like that.

Now, I have to say, this isn't easy to talk about. And I try not to be that mom that envy's all of the "normally developing" children (side note: even though I have a child with special needs, I still don't even know the proper language because I am so worried of offending anyone! I need to do some research, so my apologies- I don't even like the description of "normal") out there. I try really hard. I put on a smile and I want to celebrate your child's mildstones..because I know just how special they are and I truly am happy.

But my goodness, some days, mostly unexpected days, are just downright hard.

I am thankful for ALL that Caroline has given us. And I honestly consider her such a blessing. She has given our life more than we had bargained for. She has given us such hope and perspective and I am forever grateful of that. Not everyone will experience what we have, and honestly, I am thankful for that. We have gotten to experience more than other parents will.

It is funny though, because we have been asked lately....very hesitantly...if we would like to have any more children. That seems to be a somewhat normal (don't like that word!) question for a 30 year old with one child.  I usually shy away from the question and respond with "Some day".

But what that some day means.......it means that yes,  I would absolutely love to. I would love to experience a healthy pregnancy...not a miscarriage, and not one that requires weekly appointments to give me the details of my child who isn't developing normally. Yes, I would love more than anything to experience natural birth, and late night feedings, and crawling, and walking, and talking, and every other little thing that so many take for granted. Yes, I want that.

And I know that sounds SO selfish of me. How could I not appreciate the beautiful blessing I have? I do! I have gotten to experience SO much more than other parents. I have gotten to fight for my child, to make life changing decisions, to be the advocate for them at such an early stage. I have celebrated INCHstones, instead of milestones, but have graciously and lovingly done so. I have gotten to witness a true miracle grow, and thrive, before my eyes...because of the love and care given to her since day one. And I thankful for that.

But, I want to experience it from both sides. I want to know what each part is all about. I want to be able to relate to other parents, about things their child has gone through, and simply be able to say "Me too".

I know all moms have tough days, tough times....and I feel I am allowed to as well. I try to keep the positive, to put on my best face. I try to think of everything positive and focus on that. I love our sweet Caroline. I honestly have never felt so much happiness.

But it is hard some days.

It is hard to fight insurance companies for medical equipment that is necessary for Caroline but not for them. It is hard to call numerous supply companies, each month, to order formula, feeding supplies (feeding bags, connector pieces, extra g-tube buttons), cathing supplies, and now oxygen supplies, which includes masks, bottles, and oximeter pieces. It is hard to keep track of all the appointments and the doctors. It is even hard to relay ALL of the information to family members that care....remembering who I told what and when it was about. It's hard.

But, we have no choice. It is all a part of our lives and we make it work. We have to make it work. And, most importantly, we WANT to make it work.

Jeremy and I went to dinner tonight and I said, after looking at Caroline..."I just love how she looks at us and just starts smiling, it is like she really recognizes us and shows us she knows we love her" and his response...."There is no better feeling".

That sums it all. No better feeling. He gets it. He knows how to celebrate and appreciate the small things with me. And I am forever grateful for that.

There is no better feeling than having Caroline in our family!

Until next time blog family.... xoxo