A Mother's Love

A story has no beginning or end; arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead. 

- G. Greene

Just going to warn you again, the husband has taken over this blog update. Also to mention, the quote above wasn't from a novel that I've read over the past two weeks, just thought it fit as most stories are generally related to one's life experience and how that experience changes one's life - you are the only one who truly has that choice. As you all are very much aware of what's been happening with our Sweet Caroline over the past week(s), I feel at will that some, certain things should not go unsaid/unknown... here we go.  

Going back even before the original blog post, even before Caroline was a thought in any of our minds, there was something within Julie that I knew was there from the moment I met her. I've been fortunate enough to be with and have someone who has the biggest heart I know. Maybe it's the nine month bond that one has with their child prior to birth is something that no one can ever take away from them, or understand. Trying to comprehend someone else's experience is impossible and I for one am the worst at it. But, the one thing I do understand is that Caroline is everything to Julie. We've been sitting by her bedside for over two weeks now, every day, typically at least ten hours a day. All of the doctors know us, the nurses know us, the janitorial staff even knows us, and the entire neurosurgery department definitely knows us. It has gotten to the point where that's all any of us actually knows. Caroline has been a mystery for everyone within the NICU. Julie and I have officially run out of things to talk about, unless it regards Caroline, which is acceptable, but conversations are almost always questions about how the day went (IE: what changed, what symptoms are there, why this, why that, etc.). In the meantime, a flood of emotions have been building for the past few days, especially with the recent set backs earlier this week. We finally had a bit of a breakdown going to lunch one day this week and it wasn't about having to go to Chipotle for the fifth (or maybe sixth) time in the last two weeks. Everything just seemed to get serious real quick - almost surreal. And it may sound selfish, because it is, but constantly being around other newborns in the NICU that are crying, burping, progressing... it makes it so difficult for us to sit and wish we were on their end... It's an unsettling feeling like we haven't done enough for Caroline to be healthy enough like the other babies around her. Even with the continued thoughts, prayers, and support of everything - it is just simply, exhausting. 

And it all kinda fell in place when seeing both of our moms this week. By them seeing us go through what we're going through and not having any answers of their own, the ones who raised us and practically had an answer for anything and everything while growing up, it just doesn't make sense. Granted they aren't Neonatologists or Neurosurgeons that have infinite knowledge of brain function or operating on the brain - they are experts on comforting and protecting their own. A mother's love is stronger than any medicine Caroline has had yet. Having and expressing that kind of love for your child is the most important thing you can do to help in almost any circumstance. Julie and I are so fortunate to have felt that love before now, it allows us to try and replicate it for Caroline. 

Just watching Julie care and love Caroline the way she does is indescribable. When not able to hold her, Julie and Caroline look at each other like they both know exactly what they both are thinking. When holding her, neither want to let go of the other. Even when Julie walks into the room and she responds to a nurse or doctor, Caroline knows her voice and almost instinctively knows she's by her side by opening her eyes looking for her. Any sign of comfort for either of one them is all they want, it's all I want. And that's what makes all of this so special - we're creating an experience that will never be forgotten or lost. This feeling is something that can never be known unless you're the one going through it yourself. Julie is an amazing wife and an even more amazing mother. Just me being near both of them at this time, makes my heart complete and would feel lost without them.  

To finish this post, as I have been working off and on on it for three days now, I just wanted to share some more quotes that I feel are so true when talking about this rare love between a mother and daughter.. 

-- A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. -Washington Irving

-- Mom, I cannot thank you enough for what you have done me. You were always there when I needed you the most.

-- A mother’s arms are more comforting than anyone else’s. -Princess Diana

-- When you are looking at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know. -Charley Benetto

-- To the world, you are a mother. To a family, you are the world.

Thank you to all of you moms out there!!

Jeremy