That moment you become a mother

I know I have recently updated the blog but it has been a whirlwind of a week with our little girl I wanted to write about it.

The day that Caroline was born was the day I technically become a mother. But today was a day when I truly learned about my mother instincts. Everyone always told me, "you know your child best" but I have not felt that way since the day she was born. Caroline has been a mystery to so many doctors in her short little life and I have always wondered if I would ever get that mother instinct of knowing what is going on with my child. Well, this week, I did.

Most of you know that we have spent the past four days in the hospital with Caroline. It was not a planned trip. We were out of town, enjoying a weekend getaway in the mountains with family when she started running a fever of 100.9. Now, I know you are probably saying (and we heard it from several doctors) "that isn't a fever!" but Caroline cannot regulate her temperature like we can so her normal temperature is around 96 or 97. So yes anything over 100 is a big deal to us. Plus, this is the first time it had gotten that high. We gave her tylenol and waited. Well, temperature did not come down and we were 3 hours from home. So Jeremy and I made the decision to head to Charlottesville, only 2 hours from us, and since we had an appointment on Monday there, we would be in town in case we needed anything. We ended up taking her to the emergency room there. I hesitated doing it, but her fever wasn't coming down and it wasn't like her. We had thought maybe a UTI or ear infection so we went ahead and took her, hoping for a quick answer and some medicine and we would spend the night in a hotel and be ready for her appointment the next day. But that is not how it went.

So there we were, in the ED, have blood drawn from her tiny blood vessels, taking chest x-rays, being confined to another MRI machine with a screaming baby (we all know how much I love those), trying to determine the cause. Could it be her shunt? Could it be an infection? Could she be septic? Could it be a Kidney infection? What about pneumonia? What could this be? Tests after tests were being run and SO many doctors, nurses, residents, medical students, and specialists were in and out of our little room.

Now I knew it would be a lot to take her to the ED because they don't know Caroline there and having to start from the beginning with her complex medical history (the doctors words) was going to be overwhelming and I knew I would have to repeat myself several times to several different people and I was ready. "Yes, she has low muscle tone. No she doesn't move much. Yes she has swollen feet and hands. No she cannot sit up" I explained and explained and tried to give them an idea of a baseline on Caroline. Well, they decided to admit her as they could not determine the cause of the fever. The test for the flu was negative, blood work looked fine, Shunt Series looked good and had not changed. Just a total mystery. I mentioned about a UTI or ear infection but one resident said her ear looked fine and they tested her urine and was negative. We were at square one and frustrated.

We spent he next three days in the hospital. Being visited by many more doctors and nurses and still no answer. Finally, after none of the labs and tests showed anything and Caroline's temperature was down, they decided they would call it a small virus that she was able to fight off. Ok, great. Basically, no answer but the good news was we were going home. We had spent hours of waiting, contemplating, trying to sleep in a hospital chair while being woken up several times during the night and was beyond exhausted. We had missed work and scrambled to take care of things while we were away. We were ready to go home.

I told the doctor before we were discharged that there was a lot going on with Caroline that has been undetermined and we were frustrated. That I didn't know what to tell doctors, I did not know which piece of information was relevant or which wasn't. I could talk about her medical history for several hours but we all know doctors don't have that kind of time. I tried to keep the important things at the top of the list and I had hoped I told her all she needed to know. I felt defeated, that we had not determined a cause. I was frustrated because for once, I wanted a doctor to tell us they know FOR SURE what was wrong. I feel no doctor has been sure of anything with Caroline, even when I was pregnant with her. There were so many gray areas and I have never felt at peace with her diagnosis and things left unsaid.  I had flashbacks of her being in the NICU and so many doctors could not figure out why she was doing the things she was. I felt desperate to get out of that gray area. I wanted an answer. I wanted someone to come in and say I know what is wrong and this is how we are going to fix it. But no one did. We left the hospital, like so many other times before, without an answer.

Well we followed up today with our pediatrician at home, just to make sure we had a good first night at home and nothing had changed. I had debated about canceling the appointment because Caroline was acting like herself.  I took her anyways, if anything, to keep our pediatrician in the loop about things going on with Caroline. Well, wouldn't you know it, the pediatrician looked her over and said she has an ear infection.

A FREAKING EAR INFECTION!

I literally just laughed out loud when she said that. We had spent the past 4 days, surrounded by doctors and specialists, running test after test, with nothing showing up.  I knew it, from the beginning and I should have listened to myself.  But I believed that doctor in the emergency room, that her ears looked fine.

A lot of frustration and anger hit me. I told the pediatrician our frustration and she explained that when a child with a complex medical history comes in, they have to check everything out. That when a child has "hardware"  (as it was referred to many times, her shunt) in their scalp, you have to take those precautions to make sure it is functioning and not developing an infection. And I get it...they were checking for the serious things, for the "I hope we never have to be in the hospital for this" things because that would be miserable. I get it. But, while they were trying so hard to rule out the complicated things, they had missed such a simple thing. Her ears were not checked again since Sunday night, despite being asked to check them again, even after telling them she would not lay on her left side (red flag to ear infection, right?)

As frustrated and irritated as I am, I have to take this as a learning experience. What's done, is done. I can't change it. But, I am learning to become a mother. I am learning to listen to my instincts. I DO know my child and I need to make sure I let that be known. I know doctors will always want to investigate the big things, and I want them to be consider everything. I want them to also know that Caroline is a child, just like any other, and she is capable of just having ear infections and runny noses like any other child. I am thankful we have gotten an answer and an antibiotic and look forward to her being better soon. She has definitely kept us on our toes since she has come into our lives and I know she always will. But I need to learn and trust myself. I did get that mother instinct after all and I am going to put it to good use!

Thank you for all the kind words and prayers during the past week. It has been a whirlwind and we are learning so much about our sweet Caroline. She has surely gotten her share of extra snuggles and loving this week and we are so thankful to have her in our life. We know she will keep us busy but we ok with that!

A father's love

I have been thinking about this post for some time now. I just can't help but fall in love with Jeremy more and more each day when I see him with Caroline. Jeremy had written a blog post called, "A Mother's Love" back in December 2015, when Caroline was just a little over two weeks old and I felt that it was my turn, to talk about the love Jeremy has.  (Warning- this post will be mushy and sentimental!)

Jeremy and I met after we had both graduated high school. Ironically enough we went to the same high school but never spoke to each other. But the summer after and my freshmen year of college we had some mutual friends and started hanging out. I knew I liked Jeremy the moment I met him. I know that sounds cliche, but I knew he was someone I wanted to be with. We kind of dated on and off the first year I met him. I was away at school and although it was only an hour away, the distance became an obstacle. Finally, on April 23, 2006, Jeremy had gotten a plastic ring from a quarter machine and asked me to be his girlfriend. It was cheesy but cute and I was excited. We were determined to make it work.  We dated through college, he finally got in Longwood and would join me at school for a year until I graduated then the roles reversed. I was home and he was away at school. We had our tough times, being young and trying to make things work, but things seemed to stick. No matter what happened or the distance between us, we always found a way to work things out and be together.

Fast forward 5 years later on a trip to DC to visit friends of ours one fourth of July weekend. We took the train up and spent that afternoon and evening with friends. I just knew that Jeremy would propose that night so I made sure to be dressed up a little bit more and was very excited. Well, he didn't propose that night. I was so bummed because I thought for sure he would! We had just found out that day that the offer we made on the house was accepted. So we spent the next day exploring the city and we finally made our way back to the hotel around 7 that evening. We were both so exhausted. Jeremy was going downstairs to get a couple drinks and then watch the fireworks from the window in our hotel room. We were too tired to adventure out to go see them so we figured since we had a good view to just stay in. Well, as we were watching them out the window,  Jeremy tapped my shoulder and when I turned around, there was a beautiful ring in his hand! I cried and he cried and then he finally got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I later found out, when Jeremy went downstairs to get drinks, he also called my dad to ask permission and in the background you could hear my brother, Jeff, yell out "It's about damn time!" One of the most memorable moments of life.

A year later we were married, standing at the front of the church I had grown up in, in front of our families and friends, vowing to love each other for the rest of our lives. It was such a fun day and almost surreal. I was getting to do life with this guy I had been with for 6 years and couldn't imagine anything better.  After we got married in 2012, we moved in our first house and started on our journey together. The first year of marriage is tough. You are learning to spend every day with someone and you need to find routines and what works and it took time to get things sorted out. We were both working and I had (finally) gotten a job teaching. None the less, we loved each other day in and day out and did whatever it took to make things work.

In 2014, I became pregnant and had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. It was a whirlwind of emotions in such a short time and it was new experience for us both. We had celebrated love and excitement which turned into loss and sorrow. But, we did it together. I had never seen Jeremy in that way before. The comfort and strength he gave to me during that time....it was unreal. It was everything I needed and it came from the one person who meant the most. We moved on from it together and knew one day, we would welcome a baby of our own. We bought a new house and spent time working on the house and our careers. Finally, in March 2015, I had gotten a call from the doctor to confirm that I was indeed pregnant again. I had taken 8 at home pregnancy tests, 6 being negative and two with a possible VERY faint line. So I ended up having bloodwork drawn to confirm. They called with the results saying that I was pregnant but my numbers were very low so I needed to repeat it the next day. If the numbers did not increase, then I could have possibly had another miscarriage. Needless to say that night, we didn't sleep. I was convinced I had miscarried again and was so very anxious for the next day. Well I had the bloodwork done and my numbers had doubled.....we were officially pregnant again! I was very nervous and anxious as I didn't want the same thing to happen again. We finally made it to our first appointment with the doctor around 12 weeks and was relieved to hear the heart beat and knew this was it, we were going to have a baby!  We spent the next few months celebrating and settling in to knowing we would welcome our little one in December that year.

As I have shared before, gender reveal day came around and we found out that there was something wrong with our baby. Little did we know from that day, the journey we would be on from there.  I had seen Jeremy in times of sorrow when we experienced our first miscarriage but the person he became after finding out about Caroline was incredible. He became my "person" that was so full of hope and encouragement...saying things to me constantly like, "We will do whatever we need to", "She will be perfect for us", "We can do this together". I  was so overwhelmed and in shock and I was even more worried (in a weird way) that Jeremy would resent me, thinking this was my fault.  I was so wrong about those feelings and he was the complete opposite. I couldn't have made it through those last few months without his support. I knew that this was meant to be, that our love and life and our sweet little girl was all meant to be. We saw several specialists for the remaining months, monitoring our sweet girl, and finally, on Thanksgiving Day our little girl arrived via c-section. She was beautiful and perfect in every way to us.

Our sweet Caroline is 15 months old now and we are learning every day from her. It has been an adventure and I have to say, I have the best teammate possible. I can't describe in words the love Jeremy has for Caroline. He absolutely adores her, every single day. His love and compassion for her is remarkable. I always knew he would be a good father but seeing him with her...it melts my heart every single time. I am so thankful to have him in my life. The love and support he provides us is amazing. I never would have thought that 11 years ago, when I met him, this is where we would be...but I wouldn't change it for anything. Everything is just where it is meant to be. We are learning and growing each day, thanks to our sweet girl, who has brought so much love and adventure into our life. Who knows where the next 11 years will take us but I am just thankful to have this man by my side. I know we will be able to tackle anything that comes our way. I am so thankful to have gotten the chance to see Jeremy grow in such a way that makes my heart happy. I know that he will continue to grow into an even more wonderful father and husband.

We love you, Jeremy. Thank you for being you!


Love,
Julie and Caroline