Wow! I can't believe it has been three months since our last update. Time surely flies when you are having fun! A lot has happened since then....school, work, holidays...but most importantly, our sweet Caroline turned one!
Had you asked me, this time last year, if I could picture what our life would be like in a year...I would have never pictured it to be like this. It has surpassed every hope and dream that I had for Caroline. It was exactly a year ago today that our family experienced its hardest day ever. Caroline was intubated and moved back to the critical care side of the NICU. We knew, when she was born, that we would have hard days, but I never imagined having to consider her not making it. I remember those days so vividly and quite honestly, I don't know how I got through them. I remember walking into the NICU that morning, just like we had every day before....tired but excited to see our sweet girl..but this morning was different. The doctor and staff met us at the door, wanted to talk to us before we could see Caroline. They explained that her stats had dropped extremely low early morning and that they would need to intubate her, to put her on a ventilator because of the progress she was losing. It broke my heart and I had a melt down right there, in the doorway of the NICU, Jeremy by my side. I knew we were going to experience trying times, but never would have pictured this. This was shortly after she was intubated. She looked absolutely terrible. It broke my heart to see her so fragile and pale and that no one could explain why.
Caroline had to be intubated for 5 days but each day she grew stronger and eventually was breathing over the vent. They decided to try and see how she would do without it and couldn't believe how well she was doing. The doctors were amazed and puzzled by what they had witnessed. They couldn't explain why she had gone downhill or what caused it. All I knew was, I was glad she had made it.
But fast forward to a year later and here we are. I can't put into words how extremely grateful we are to be home for the holidays this year. Although we have wonderful family and friends who helped make the best of last year, we are so thankful to be home for it this year. To wake up Christmas morning together, as a family, and enjoy this time together. We are thankful for the health of Caroline and for the progress she has made over the past year. We are learning how to adjust and how to have a "new normal" for our family. I know things will be different for our life but I honestly could not imagine my life without Caroline. Whatever will happen, whatever may be....I am thankful for her.
I think back to even five years ago, what our life would be like. Jeremy and I were engaged, preparing to spend the rest of the lives together and learning how to live together. We were so young and naive about things that mattered. We imagined being married a couple years then starting a family, having a couple kids, and doing the whole "adult" thing. But I have learned, from several other times as well, things don't go as planned. I am a believer though, that everything happens for a reason. I believe Caroline was meant to be in our life and she has been such a blessing. She has brought so much love and happiness to us that I can't even explain. When we first found out that Caroline may possibly have SB, I was 22 weeks pregnant. I was told, only once because of my reaction, that I had two weeks to decide if we wanted to continue with the pregnancy. I made it very clear that I did, that this was not my decision. This decision had been made for us and it wasn't up to me to tempt faith and change what was meant to be. That doesn't mean I didn't have doubts, that I wasn't nervous about the gloomy future that had been painted for us by doctors. But, the outcome was much more than anyone could predict. We couldn't give up when things got hard. Sometimes you just have to believe, that you are stronger than you believe. Sometimes it takes a life changing event to help you become the person you were mean to be.
So as I finish this post, I want to share some pictures. One that is so near and dear to me. It was a picture I have been wanting to take for quite awhile. I had seen something similar when I was pregnant with Caroline and I knew I had wanted to attempt a similar photo. It is a picture of her underneath the Christmas tree.
This pictures means so much to me. First it represents us being home this Christmas. To enjoy this special time, in our home, creating traditions with her. Second, I wanted to show her scar on her back. This scar stands for what she had to endure in her short life. She was less than a day old when she underwent 8 hour surgery. That scar will always be a part of who she is but I don't want it to define who she is. It shows that she is strong and can overcome so much and I want her to know that strength everyday. Third, she is laying on a blanket that was my grandmothers. I miss her so much. I still cry some days just thinking of her. She will always be a special part of my life. Children deserve to know their grandparents. They are special people and hope that Caroline will know hers and grow the bond that I have been lucky enough to know with mine.
That is all for now. I will leave some recent pictures of our sweet girl, including some from her birthday party! We are so thankful for this life changing year and can't wait to see what the next year has in store for us! Enjoy each day and learn to find the good in things! We all have so very much to be thankful for!
