I have been deciding on whether or not to write this post but felt I needed to. So apologize if it seems "too much" but I need to write about it. I want to look back on these posts and see everything we have been through in this journey with our sweet girl. So here it goes.
I have realized recently how incredibly human I am. Yes, I know I am human but the feelings that I have at times has been creating struggles within me that I am learning to accept. I don't know when it hit me that we were raising a child with special needs. I have known about Caroline having Spina Bifida since I was 22 weeks pregnant. I had 18 weeks to come to the realization of what it actually means before she entered this world. I think I didn't want to focus on it, that I knew Caroline would be perfect in every way...and she is...she is everything we have dreamed about and everything that fits wonderfully into our life. I just didn't think I knew all the "extras" that came with her. Now, I'm not talking about the extra medical things....more doctors, more appointments, more equipment...that was expected and I was prepared for that. I am talking about the feelings that come with raising a child with special needs.
I worry about my daughter everyday. I know all parents do that but my worry seems to take a deeper level. I worry about her well being, about her accomplishments, about her future and her having to face those with Spina Bifida. I have so many feelings that I have felt since she has been born and I feel guilty for evening allowing myself to feel them. But, it does make me realize how truly human I am. My child will have to overcome a lot more obstacles than most in her life and because of that, it scares me. I have felt hurt, and guilt, and worry, and heartache, and joy, and happiness, and anger, and confusion, and struggle, and a million other emotions. But the biggest thing I have felt since Caroline was born is love. It is such a different, special kind of love. A love that fills your heart so much that you can't imagine your life without her. A love that brings you to tears just by thinking of it. A love that I am lucky enough to know.
I know she will face challenges in her life and I want her to know, I want to teach her, that she can overcome them. That her kindness and heart will be enough to conquer them. I want her to truly believe in herself. I also want to allow her to be human, just like me, to let her know that it is ok to feel different emotions. It is ok to feel discouraged, hurt, lonely, sad, angry, or anything else she may feel in her life. But I want her to know that having those feelings makes her a stronger person. That no matter what her life gives her, she WILL get through it. I want her to know the love and support she has surrounding her from friends, family, and so many others. I want her to feel the kind of love that I feel for her. There is no greater feeling!
I also want to thank those that have invested their time and energy in our journey with Caroline. It has made such an impact on our lives and it has allowed us to have these feelings and know that we have support from so many. It has allowed us to become stronger and know that we can be great parents for our sweet little girl. Thank you so much for helping create the extraordinary love we have for Caroline.
